On behalf of the great state of Indiana, the home of Garfield the Cat, I welcome you! Thanks to the long war between you five, you have given our state more of a voice than we have had in many primaries. As the self-appointed Lord of Indiana, House Rheinheimer, may I be so kind as to offer some guidance to each of you for your time in our fair state.
First, I will welcome Donald the Mad, House Trump. Donald, I predict you will fare well among the voters in this state. Hoosiers are angry for many reasons. We were hit hard by the Great Recession and have become a smaller-scale model for the larger culture wars dividing Americaros. We always have been a conservative state with a victim complex. Clearly, you speak well to the average Hoosier’s feeling that he or she has been given a raw deal by one scapegoat or the other.
Second, to Bernie the Old and Hillary the Unknowable, the gods alone know which of you will win our primary. As a precaution, I advise you to stick closely to the three liberal enclaves of the state. Indianapolis, Bloomington and South Bend are where you will find your biggest support. You risk being set upon by the conservative brigands who prowl the wastelands along US 31, so travel by daylight and seek shelter when you sense that you are being watched. Also, forget Lake, Porter and Newton counties; those have been seized and annexed by my rival, the Lord of Chicago. Worry not, my lieges, he shall pay for his treachery after the primary.
I would expect South Bend and The People’s Republic of Bloomington to go for Bernie the Old. You are so beloved by millennials, sire, that I would be truly shocked if the students of Notre Dame and IU did not provide you with a strong turnout.
As for Indianapolis, the Eternally Circular City, it’s anyone’s game. Old-money on Meridian-Kessler, disillusioned working-class folks on the south and east side and liberal elites spread throughout the county will turn this city into a crapshoot.
Whatever happens, I predict my fair state will go to Donald the Mad for the Republicans, and Democrats will choose Bernie the Old. However, I may be wrong. Ted the Sad-Looking could fare better than I have predicted.
