The Online Reflector

Love is universal, and although we may all approach it in different ways, it’s still beautiful, rewarding and exciting to engage in. These are stories from UIndy students whose customs are different in regards to love, relationships and sex.

EUROPE

By Staci Reafsnyder • Feature Editor & Elizabeth Wheeler • Distribution Manager

In Europe relationships differ from that of the United States. The customs that we know may be uncommon in European countries.
According to senior and international student from Denmark, Anders Klintoe, even the way a relationship starts off is different.

“They are different in the way we meet each other, especially when we’re younger,” Klintoe said.
Usually they meet at school or at parties. *It could even be high school parties where they are allowed to serve beer and wine.
“We drink more socially with other people,” Klintoe said.

In the U.S. it is often seen that the alcohol is associated with the ‘drinking-to-get-drunk’ scene, but all over Europe it is more of a way for people to come together, meet and enjoy a drink socially.

“We are [also] more open about relationships in Europe,” Klintoe said. “It’s not like here, when you’re in high school: ‘Oh, you have to be in the living room, the parents have to be able to see everything.’  Over in Denmark, it’s more like: you just go in your room, close the door and the parents trust the kids in a different way.”

Because it is too expensive to go out in Denmark, Klintoe said usually, when dating, you would stay in and just hang out. The normal ‘dinner and a movie’ date that a lot of Americans go on isn’t normal in Denmark. If you were to go for a semi-decent meal, it will cost about $100 a couple, and movie tickets about $25 each; that’s a $150 date night.

“Often it’s more of hanging out at home. Sometimes we do go out for coffee in the afternoon,” Klintoe said. “Don’t get me wrong, we do go out. It’s not like here where you constantly have to go out to get away from your parents. We don’t really have the same pressure to get away because we don’t have to be in the living room under their supervision.”

Klintoe said he does notice relationships to be more mature in Europe. He said that here, when you’re in a relationship, it’s more of a show-and-tell.

“Relationships in Europe generally last a little bit longer, just because people get to know each other better before they actually start dating,” Klintoe said. “It’s not unusual to be dating for several months before they call each other boyfriend and girlfriend.”

The Danish also aren’t in a rush to get married. They wait until later in life, but it’s not unusual to see people, who are dating, living together. Some of this has to do with when they go off to high school; some leave home and get their own apartments.

According to associate instructor of modern languages, Jose Manuel Diaz Perez, in Spain it is also common for couples to move in together before they get married.
“In America, I see people getting married [at] 18, 19 and 20. It’s weird to me because they don’t know what they want and now they have to worry about what each other needs,” Perez said. “In Spain, it’s normal to be getting married late in their lives.”

When it comes to engagement, in both Spain and Denmark, it’s not as extravagant as it is here in the states. A couple in Denmark will be dating for, usually, five-plus years before they decide to get engaged, and some of them just skip the engagement process and get married.

Engagement isn’t a big deal in Spain; there aren’t engagement rings, but there are rings in the wedding ceremony.

“Our marriage ceremonies usually are not that big of deal and aren’t as extravagant as in America,” Perez said. “It lasts maybe, 15 to 20 minutes. The reception is the bigger ordeal, with five course dinners and dancing.”

In Denmark, Klintoe said that adults generally get married way later in life.

“It still shocks me here; I know people that are 18 or 19 here and are already married,” Klintoe said.

Gender roles are also different in Denmark: what we know as the typical housewife is not seen there. Usually the roles are balanced. Chivalry still exists in Spain, but the male is still the dominant person in the relationship.

“Once you have kids [in Denmark], the wife stays home a bit,” Klintoe said. “The wife will stay at home for first nine months to a year.”

Overall, Klintoe said Denmark is a country where you’re able to learn and grow up a lot faster. Your parents don’t play a role in which person you date. *And the word ‘love’ isn’t used in the same context as it is in the U.S. In Denmark, you only say the word to people you really love, like family and even then it’s not that often.  Saying “I love you” often is actually found rude in Spain. In both these countries it is understood that they love one another.

“[Denmark] is very much a country where people let the kids grow up and make their own life choices, and also learn from their experiences,” Klintoe said.

* Love in Danish is “Elsker.”
* In Denmark, one can legally buy alcohol at 16, and go to bars at 18. It is legal to consume alcohol at any age.

CHINA

By Adrian Kendrick • Editor-in-Chief & Ashley Keihn • Editorial Assistant

University of Indianapolis international students Fangfang Li and Dai (Austin) Yuan give their perspective on Chinese culture.

• AK & AK: How do Chinese relationships differ from American relationships?

FL: When I came here, I heard rumors such as: Americans are not committed to relationships. After I came here, I saw many people that had committed relationships. So, I think it depends.

DY: Chinese men are committed to relationships because of our customs. If you have an affair or a divorce, you are looked down upon, and you would be ashamed of yourself. Chinese women are more submissive, not like Americans. The relationship is more male-dominated in China. We express our love differently than American men. We don’t go directly to the girl and say “I like you” or “I love you;” most men don’t do that. Even when we date, we don’t say those words. We go by feelings or we hear from a friend that a girl likes us. In the Chinese culture we don’t express our feelings as much. We would rather buy them a gift or write it down, than say it.

• AK & AK: Are parents in China strict when it comes to relationships?

FL: Most parents don’t like their children to be involved in relationships before they graduate from high school, because they feel it will affect their education. It’s forbidden. At many schools, if teachers know that you are in a relationship, they will try their best to stop it. So, if you met someone in high school, most kids won’t tell their parents until they’re in college. Education is so important and it’s competitive, so everyone wants you to be focused on your studies.

DY: Most of the things we learn from relationships comes from our peers; parents don’t want to talk about dating. I believe 80 percent of the parents in China will never talk about sex with their children. The kids never even ask. I’ve never heard anything about sex from my parents, ever. I really wish parents would educate their children about sex; otherwise we get bad information from peers or the Internet.

• AK & AK: How important is appearance in China?

FL: Girls don’t wear a lot of makeup; it’s a part of our culture. Our parents want us to focus on our studies and they don’t want us to be fancy. If I would have worn makeup when I was younger, my father would have been really mad. Some girls can wear makeup in college, but not high school. If teachers see you wearing it, they will come talk to you and say you shouldn’t do that. That’s why most high schools wear uniforms—so we won’t worry about our appearance.

DY: I think that’s universal when it comes to girls. We look at the figure and the face; just the outside appearance at first.

• AK & AK: Is it frowned upon in China to engage in premarital sex?

FL: Generally speaking, yes. Premarital sex isn’t widely accepted in China, but that doesn’t mean that everyone opposes premarital sex or no one has sex before marriage, especially among the younger generations. I guess it’s the same in the U.S. Some people are more conservative, while some are more open when facing issues like that—it really depends on individuals.

DY: If you’re in high school, your parents would probably be very mad. People do not care that much when you’re off to college, though, because you’re out of their control. They accept the fact that we’re older and things change.

• AK & AK: What is the courting process like in China?

FL: In China, the legal age for men to get married is 22; women, 20. Most Chinese students won’t get married while they’re still in college, which is quite different from here. When I had just come here, I was actually surprised by the fact that many students in our school were married. I feel that older Chinese generations are more implicit than younger generations. I don’t know their actual courting process, but I could tell that older adults are less likely to express their love to others than younger adults.

DY: It varies a lot depending on where you’re from. In my area, Zhe-jiang, first a banquet is set up to gather family, friends and relatives together. This is only for the engagement. In the banquet, the female side will get a certain amount of money, like a deposit, to express their gratitude to the family for raising their daughter. The amount of money is huge. After the engagement and before the wedding, the female side will buy things like a car or furniture for the new married family as gifts. Most weddings are extravagant, depending on the family. They spend a lot of money because they believe weddings are the most important moment in their lives, so they do it big.

• AK & AK: In America, sex is everywhere when it comes to advertisements, is it like that in China?

FL: No, it’s forbidden. The government won’t allow that at all. Currently there is a dispute with Google and the Chinese government about censoring content.

DY: It’s forbidden. But modern technology allows people to get the information; if they want to get it they can.

* Upon further investigation it was discovered, according to The Washington Post, that Google is now experiencing open and public resistance when it comes to censoring software. Previously, western companies and governments have mostly abided by Beijing’s policies. Last year, U.S. manufacturers resisted an attempt by China to require censoring on all new computers. However, Apple and Microsoft continue to acknowledge the Chinese censors.

THE MIDDLE EAST

Haley Vannarsdall • Editorial Assistant & Kaley Belakovich • Staff Writer

With Valentine’s Day having just been celebrated, people around the U.S. still have love on the mind.  While love here can be expressed through flowers, chocolates and Hallmark cards, in other countries love is shown in different ways. In the Middle East, relationships vary from place to place but the general idea of “love” remains the same.

In Dubai, a part of the United Arab Emirates, it’s not typical to date four or five different people a year, whereas in the United States it’s all too common.
“You don’t just go up to a girl and a week later you’re having sex. You have to know the girl first,” said senior Khaled Al Husseini, an international student from Dubai.

Relationships in Dubai are more conservative because it’s harder to date there than it is in America. Husseini has dated girls in both countries and admitted that girls in America are much more open-minded and willing to date than in Dubai, where they are much more traditional. Each has its good sides to dating, but Husseini said he prefers girls to be a bit more conservative.

Fortunately for the single ladies, arranged marriages no longer exist in Dubai, and religious background has no affect on Husseini’s dating potentials. The parents also generally do not have an influence over who Husseini dates.  There is no set age for marriages to take place, although it usually happens once the couple is stable.

“My ideal woman is smart, cute, funny, not stuck up and basically easy to get along with. Oh, and most importantly, not dramatic,” said Husseini.
Sophomore Guy Kogel from Timrat, Israel, said things in Timrat are much different than Husseini’s Dubaian customs.  According to Kogel, Timrat is similar to the United States when it comes to dating.

Kogel emphasized that relationships are based on individual choice, and there aren’t many limitations on choosing whom to date.
“In general, it’s like here,” said Kogel on the comparison between Timrat and the United States.

However, different places in Israel have different beliefs.  According to Kogel, there are more religious places in Israel that have more traditional beliefs.  These “religious cities,” as Kogel referred to them as, follow more conservative actions.  In Timrat, there is no such thing as an arranged marriage, whereas in other parts of Israel, they do still exist.

It doesn’t matter to Kogel where she’s from when it comes to dating.  He finds no disadvantages to dating in either country, although he said the atmosphere is different here being a college student.

Kogel makes sure to okay his dates with his mom and dad because their opinion has an effect on his decisions.

“[My parents] won’t make the decision for me, but if they don’t like the girl it will have an effect on it,” Kogel said.

Religion doesn’t have an effect on which girls Kogel dates, but it will factor in when it comes time to make a decision for marriage since he plans on marrying a girl with the same religious background as himself.

When comparing the age couples get married, Kogel and Husseini both agreed that it doesn’t happen until they reach their later twenties; both also agreed that marriage and childbirth happens at such a young age in the U.S.

“The emphasis on education is extremely important where I’m from.  Nowadays, education comes before everything,” said Husseini.  “Once you get your education and start making some money, that is when you should start thinking about marriage.”

AFRICA

By Jacki Dillman • Managing Editor & Konye Ori • Staff Writer

Minette Valentine, a Sierra Leonean-American senior, weighed in on her experiences with dating and relationships in a traditional African society.

JD & KO: What do you see as the biggest difference between relationships in the United States and Sierra Leone?
MV: In other parts of the world, teenagers engage in relationships often to the knowledge of their parents. But in Sierra Leone, as in most parts of Africa, it’s strictly forbidden to date someone without your parent’s permission.  In the United States, couples get very serious very quickly. It’s not like that at all in Sierra Leone.

JD & KO: Do most people abide by those rules or is there a lot of secret dating?
MV: There is a ton of secret dating; you just have to make sure your parents never find out.

JD &KO: How does the courtship process begin in Sierra Leone?
MV: When a young man is interested in a lady, he would have to meet with her parents, to get their blessings. Before the parents give their consent, they would carry out a background check on the guy—who is he? What tribe is he from? What is his family’s status? What history does he have?

JD & KO: After you get permission to date, are there still a lot of restrictions?
MV: After you get permission, you can officially say you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. However, there are no sleepovers, no late nights and no sneaking around.

JD & KO: How is premarital sex viewed in your culture?
MV: Pre-marital sex is definitely a taboo. It’s a big issue and taken much more seriously than here in the States. In more traditional families, a girl must even prove she is virgin on her wedding day.

JD & KO: How does the engagement process work?
MV: If the courting [dating] couples feel they are compatible, the guy proposes to the girl. To show he is able to take care of her, he would present a number of cows to the girl’s family, or show he owns some land. After this show of wealth, a rose ceremony is conducted.

JD & KO: What is a rose ceremony?
MV: The rose ceremony is the traditional way to request a girls hand in marriage. The guy does not attend the rose ceremony. His father, his uncles and perhaps his grandfather, attend the rose ceremony on his behalf. These representatives ask for the girls hand in marriage on behalf of the guy. If the request is granted, both families discuss plans for the marriage ceremony. After the rose ceremony, the guy is informed by his representatives whether or not he has been accepted.  Sometimes a marriage request is not granted, and the relationships are broken on grounds of tribal differences, class differences or family histories.

JD & KO: Is there a lot of divorce in Sierra Leone?
MV: Once the couple is married, they must stay married, for better or worse. Divorce is not an option in the traditional society. The people frown upon divorce, so people don’t walk out of their marriages. They make it work.

JD & KO: What would you change about American dating culture?
MV: It seems like Americans rush into serious relationships. I think they should take their time. Also, I think parents should be more involved in picking who their kids date. It’s a good tradition.